1/31

Today is January 31st. So? Anyone, who has followed this blog, will know that today was to be my eviction date. Thankfully, he has given me a little more time due primarily to the weather. I can't move in the rain or the bitter cold. We may even get snow this Tuesday. But, a lot has gone on this month. I have moved the majority of my stuff to a storage facility in Columbia. I haven't been able to sell online, so I have lost money. In fact, I am about to run out of money. I had to get a little work done on my car yesterday, just to keep it running, but they told me that I needed $800 worth of work on it, which I don't have. I do have $200 to my name. Woohoo. I came close to selling my Mother's wedding ring yesterday, but I have put that off for a couple of days. I went to a job fair. Maybe something will come of that, but the odds are against. More of my friends are losing their jobs. I can't afford a moving van to move the bigger things like furniture. My roommate woke me up at 4:30 this morning screaming. He does that a lot. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in days. I don't like taking sleeping pills, but it may come to that. This is a very depressing time. It is a scary time. Sometimes I feel that it is good to get all of my stuff to one place, so it will be easier for my brother to distribute, when I'm gone. I know I can't think like that, but a lot of thoughts have passed through my brain this month. Thoughts of family. Thoughts of friends. Thoughts of what if... So, I am off to Columbia with another load today in my car. I don't have much more to go, and barring disaster, I should have it out soon. Funny how your life can change so dramatically in such a short time. It isn't that funny. I'm not laughing. I am still trying to believe.

Job Fair

I went to the job fair in Columbia yesterday. There were a lot of people there, but it was pretty orderly. One woman hit on me, and some employers thought we were together. I eventually ditched her. I saw a girl I used to work with at Macy's, but don't ask me what her name was. I don't remember, but I was cordial. As for the employers, I think I made a good impression on a couple. Some folks wanted me to work on straight commission. I don't want to do that, because it is sort of like not working at all. There were some employers who wanted only young people. Good idea, but the older folks are more dedicated. After leaving 10 resumes, I left to go back to Greenville and got in a driving rainstorm. You couldn't see, but it ended soon. It was good to see the rain, but I don't like to drive in it. I guess it goes back to when I had a wreck in the rain, when I lived in Fort Worth. People are crazy who speed. I was crazy that day. One learns from one's mistakes. Or, they should learn. I am living off of hope right now. Day to day.

Quick Note

Just a quick note. I am going to drive down to Columbia today for a job fair. I don't know what I will find, but it is worth a try. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was worrying about my car that needs work. I was worrying about not having any money. And, I was worrying about life itself. I saw on the news this morning that more people are going to therapists than ever before. I can totally understand why. For anyone who care about me, this is a very crucial time in my life, or the lack thereof. I am happy for those folks in love. I am happy for those folks with a good job. I am happy for those folks who are happy. I wish I were happy. So, pray that something good will come out of my trip today. Despite the fog and the rain. Maybe it will keep some folks home. And, if I get a job, would somebody please take me in temporaily? And, if you can help me, before I run out of money completely, my paypal account is durst11@gmail.com. That should be sometime within the next couple of weeks. I will be searching for someone to buy my Mother's wedding ring tomorrow. So, this is what Hell looks like, huh?

I Believe

What do I believe? I believe in the goodness of people. I believe that I have talents. I believe that I can provide something good for others. I believe that I am a good person. I believe that there is someone out there who can help me. A job? A place to live? Money? I believe I can't give up. Trying to stay positive, but I have to say in all honesty that it is hard. It is hard to believe. Life is hard. No one said it was going to be easy. I just wanted someone to believe in me. Being picked last all my life has taken its toll. Sorry to have to say that, but that's the way it is. I have tried to be honest with my blog readers. I have put my heart on my sleeve. It may have been painful for me to do that, but I felt it was important to understand my world. If I were to go away, how many people would feel sad? I know the immediate sadness would probably be great, but then the sadness would wane over time. I am reminded of my friend BJ who killed herself several years ago. At the funeral, there were people behind me who said they didn't know she had problems. I knew but did nothing. I have had to live with that guilt for years. I have told you that I had problems. Few have acted on them to help me. Thanks for that. I have asked for counsel, and have gotten it from some, but others have said nothing. I know a lot of people have problems. I have brought upon myself some of my problems. Even if I had stayed with Macy's, I would have lost my job by now. I saw the writing on the wall. I made a change. Some would say that the change was wrong. I am not going to debate that issue, although I do have some agreement with those people. I should have had a better plan. Dreams aren't enough. Not in this world. So, what do I believe? I believe I must stay around until 1/31. After that, all bets are off. If you believe in me, please email me at durst11@gmail.com or Paypal me. I believe.

Best Friends

As I have said many times, friends are very important to me. They always have been. After all, much of my growing up years were spent without friends. So, I was thinking about those people during my life who would be considered as my "best friend". If you don't see your name on this list, please don't think I have slighted you. There are degrees of friends. You could be a very good friend. You could be a true friend. You could be a life-long friend. Quite frankly, each of my best friends may not be around anymore, but they were there for me at the time. So, here is a partial list of my best friends:
1. Paul Price--New Orleans nextdoor neighbor. I don't know what happened to him.
2. Bruce Campbell--Columbia nextdoor neighbor. I don't know what happened to him either.
3. Tom Phillips--first few years of school, until we had a big fight. We were in U.N.C.L.E. together.
4. Richard Owen--high school. Very creative. He is a writer/editor now.
5. Sonny Smith--church and school. He works for the school district now.
6. Doug Bryan--seminary. He teaches at the college now.
7. Del Bazemore/Chris Sanders--The Cobbwebs.
8. Thom Stone--work and life. He and his family took me in.
9. Joni James--work and life. She is a caring soul.
If I left one out, I'm sorry. These are the folks who have been there and continue to be. I'm sure there are more.

25 Things

There is an internet thread out there now about 25 things that people may not know about other poeple. So, I thought I would do it here. So, here are 25 things you may not know about me:

1. I was born in New Orleans, LA.
2. I share the unofficial world record of the number of people that can get in a log ride at Six Flags (7).
3. Burt Lancaster taught me how to dance for the film "The Midnight Man".
4. I have appeared in four major films--"The Midnight Man", "Semi-Tough", "Chattahoochee", and "The Program".
5. I gave locations to Dennis Hopper which later appeared in his film "Chasers".
6. My picture appeared in a national magazine, when I was 5 taken in New Mexico.
7. I wrote a commercial for OK Cereal, when I was 5, but they didn't do it.
8. I wrote a one-act play, while in seminary, that was used as a commercial for Wendy's.
9. I graduated from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary with a major in Communications that they invented for me.
10. I was in Who's Who in American Junior Colleges while at Anderson College.
11. I ran for student body president at Presbyterian College and effectively won, but the election was stolen.
12. I was in three educational television shows--"The Charleston Tea Party", "Reconstruction", and "Back Injury".
13. I write songs for a band in Nashville called "The Cobbwebs". Our first cd was in the top ten in Portugal.
14. I love James Bond films and The Beatles music.
15. My debate team beat a team from Harvard, making us one of the top debate teams in the country, while I was at Anderson College.
16. I could have been in "Forrest Gump" but turned it down to be in "The Program".
17. I am a political and news junkie.
18. I collect pop culture memorabilia and sell it on the internet. My autograph collection is in a store in Simpsonville SC called "Simple Pleasures" at 104 W. Curtis St. downtown.
19. I used to have the second-largest Beatles video collection in the world.
20. I have written and performed puppet shows for inner-city kids in Philadelphia and Nashville.
21. I have written and performed Bible-character monologues with a modern flair.
22. I love strawberry ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
23. I play regular Nintendo games.
24. I have visited 30 US states and 9 foreign countries.
25. I am a nationally published writer.

Okay, there you go. I'm sure I could do 25 more, but this will get you going. Enjoy.

Being Tired

Okay, another confession. No, it isn't juicy either. But, here goes. I love to sleep. Sleep is good. I can escape through my dreams, and they are usually good. I'm not going to share any here right now, because I don't want to embarrass anyone. But, I love to sleep. I have been pretty tired these last few days from trying to move all of my stuff by myself. I have made several trips in my car to Columbia with loads. I have a little ways to go, but I think I am over the hump. But, it has made me tired. I have even been waking up around 5:30 every morning, which is about an hour before normal, but I have discovered the ability of doing some work, while it is still pretty quiet. The downside to getting up earlier is that I am tired. So, last night was kind of special. I had watched the goings on in Washington all day and into the night. Being a political junkie, I was in hog heaven. Then "NCIS" came on at 8. It was a rerun, but it is my favorite show, so I had to watch it. My eyes became pretty heavy. I fell asleep. I woke up at 9pm mad, because I missed my show. So, I turned off the TV and decided to lie down for a few minutes. I woke up at 6 this morning, still in my clothes from yesterday. I was tired, and my body was telling me that I needed to relax. I am a firm believer of listening to your body. Your body will tell you when to eat and what. Your body will tell you what you can do and when. You can't fight the tired feeling. I wonder how our new President and his wife did it last night with all of the parties and dances, going into the early morning hours. Maybe they can sleep with their eyes open. I used to be able to do that. So, that is my confession for today. I love sleeping. But, never while I am working. I knew a guy who would go into the stock room and sleep during the day, when he was supposed to be working. He was fired. I wouldn't do that. Just in case anybody was thinking of hiring me.

New President

Today is the day for a new President of the United States. No matter whether you agree with the new President or not, it is a time of new things. Too bad so many people are majoring on what Mrs. Obama will wear. Too little on what Mr. Obama will say. Too bad so many people will wonder if Mr. Obama will say his middle name in the swearing in. Too little on what the challenges are ahead. There are challenges for all of us. I guess mine are job, home, and life. Others are what lies ahead. I wish for a little more love. So many people are caught up with polarization. They will tell you that they want to work together. They want to come together as one. But, when the rubber meets the road, it is business as usual. You are not like me, so I won't like you. And, it isn't just politics. It is life. Can we have a group hug? Can we just get along? Questions with no answers. Or, the answer is no. We have a lot of people in our country who just want to hate. No matter what. Look back on history. Some people paralyzed the country by trying to go against anything and everything that the folks in power proposed. It reminded me of something we did in high school. We were big rivals with another high school in debates. No matter what they proposed, we would go against it. If they proposed world peace, we would advocate world war. It really made them mad. But, we did it as a joke. Years later, when I reminded one of those rivals about our debates, he didn't remember it, and I found he had blocked it out. That was a game. This is real life. Reputations need to be set aside. Egos need to be put away. Let's get together. Please.

Scary Time

It is now two weeks, until I am effectively homeless. I know that I have people praying for me. And to them, I thank you. There are a few nibbles in jobs, but nothing definite. I wish, at this point, I could be more positive. After all, we don't know what tomorrow will bring. No one really does. That is what makes life fun. But, it is also scary. I am a person who needs to be secure. Without that security, I am very scared. I have friends who tell me not to worry. It will be okay. I know that it will be okay. Am I like the boy who cried wolf one too many times? Yeah, maybe. But, the wolf is at the door. He is clawing through the wood. I can see his fangs. I can feel his breath. That is what makes me scared. The scaredest I think I have ever been was the night of Hurricane Hugo. To hear that wind howling and limbs breaking was a horrible night. I couldn't hear the wind for years after without having flashbacks of that scary night. The lesson learned there was that we got through it, and life went on. Neighbors helped neighbors get through it. I thankfully have friends who are helping me get through this scary time. I am very grateful for them. I am scared. Hold my hand. Tell me it will be all right. Show love to me. And, please don't judge me in my anxiety. I hope you never have to go through this. God help me.

Sitting Next to Me

I wrote on an earlier post about being picked last for sports stuff, despite being good. People would just look at me and figure that I wasn't good. I have seen it before in auditions. Casting directors look for body type, before they look at talent. Everything is about appearance. I tend to look at first impressions, too. Many times, I find that I am wrong about first impressions. People can surprise you. Whether it be in work or love, it is important to get to know someone. Do not assume. I was thinking about another aspect of my life. When I go into a room first and sit down, the next person comes in and doesn't sit next to me. Then, the third won't sit next to me, and so on. When I went to a funeral earlier this year, I was by myself. I sat down on a center pew on the end. No one came to sit next to me or even near me on my pew. Despite the fact that the church was packed with people. I don't think it is a smelling issue. I just don't have anyone to sit next to me. If I come in later, I will find a seat. Many times, those people I sit next to will give me a dirty look as if they were saving that seat for someone else. Maybe I am paranoid about this, but it has happened too many times for me to be paranoid. It is just very rare for someone to sit next to me. Please sit next to me. Teach me to love again. Give me a hug and tell me you care. 1/31.

Some Stories

For anyone who has read my blogs recently, you will know that they have been rather dark. I am sorry about that. I seem to have hurt people close to me. I hope that they will know that I do love them, but the stress of being potentially homeless in two weeks, as well as not having any money has caused me to say things that I didn't mean. So, I thought I would write something different.
1. Anyone who knows me knows that I am kind of thin. I drink an Ensure a day, because I need the vitamins. A friend at Macy's told me that Slimfast has the same vitamins and costs less, so I thought I would try it. I went to Food Lion and bought some cans. When I took them to the register, the cashier looked at me and the cans and back at me. I looked at her and said, "This stuff really works". Her mouth dropped open. I was amused.
2. When Macy's was taking over Rich's, I had a couple come in and asked me if I had seen much difference between Macy's and Rich's. With a straight face, I told them that the only thing I had seen was that Macy's required all of its employees to watch the Thanksgiving Parade, and then we would have to write a report on it. I couldn't believe how gullible this couple was, but they believed me.
3. And one a bit more inspirational--if you ever watch birds, you will see many eat on the ground. But, when danger shows up like a cat, they will fly up into the trees. People need to be more aware of danger and rising up above it.
Okay, that's all for now. Let us hope we can all learn from this and will get through it.

CSN

One of my favorite songs is by Crosby Stills & Nash and is called "Long Time Gone". There is a great line in it that says, "The darkest hour is always just before the dawn". How profound is that? I am in the darkest hour. I know there must be a dawn, but it is pretty cloudy now. A friend told me yesterday that she played the lottery and won $10,000. Wouldn't that be great? My life is the product of a lot of songs. I have written a few of them, but I heard one on the radio a few minutes ago--"Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John. It speaks volumes as to how I feel now. I have family who won't help me, or feel that their situation doesn't warrant it. That's okay. I have learned to deal with that. I have asked a lot of famous people to help me, but none have. That's okay. I have learned to deal with that. I have friends who won't speak to me anymore. That's okay. I have learned to deal with that. I have a few friends who have taken an interest in my plight. I have a friend who continues to tell me to believe. I am trying to believe, but it is so hard. I have a friend who tells me to continue to pray. I am trying to pray, but is anyone truly listening? I know I have talents. I know I have worth for this world. I know me. Who else does? I don't know what my future holds. But, my future now ends on January 31st, unless something happens very soon. If you feel like you can, please send me something through Paypal at durst11@gmail.com. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And, if you know of where I can stay for a few days or work, please let me know. God help us all.

Crabapple Cove

Do you remember in MASH that Hawkeye was from Crabapple Cove? There is something about crabapples. Small apples. Can be hard to eat raw, but are good in jellies, jams and desserts. So, why am I writing about crabapples? Because of a prank that me and some neighbors did, when we were kids. I hope that the statute of limitations has run out on this. A block from our houses was Beltline Blvd. A major road through Columbia that was four lanes. At the corner of Beltline and Parkman, there was a house with some bushes at the front that we could hide behind. The homeowner had a crabapple tree in their backyard. They also didn't like kids, so it was a double prank. Take their crabapples and use them to attack cars. So, here was the deal. It was dark, so the drivers couldn't see us. We hid behind the bushes. The cars had to go up a steep hill by us. We would throw a crabapple and bounce it off the road, and then it would hit the bottom of their car. They would think something was wrong with their car, and we had a good laugh. Harmless fun, right? It was all about timing. You couldn't bounce the crabapple too soon or too late. It had to be just right. That was, until a police car headed up the hill. It was dark. We didn't see the lights, until the cop turned them on after we hit the underside of his car. We ran. The owner of the house was interviewed by the police. He knew nothing about it. We didn't do that prank anymore. About six months later, I was at my Grandmother's house in Greenwood. She had a crabapple tree in her backyard. She was making some jellies, and I ate my share of the crabapples and got a severe stomach ache. I figure it was God's way of punishing me. What goes around comes around.

Another Batch

I took another batch of my stuff to Columbia yesterday. I can't afford a moving truck, and I really need one. If you can help, please forward something to me via PayPal at durst11@gmail.com. I enjoy driving, despite my car making all kinds of noises. It is nice to have your head clear in the car. But, why are some people so hateful? I visited Macy's yesterday. Despite having openings, they won't hire me, because I didn't open enough credits. I left on good terms. I gave them a two-week notice. I sold over a million dollars, when I was there. After I left, there were customers asking for me. But, there are managers in that store who are hateful. Can't we all just get along? If you know of a job or a place to stay, please let me know. Thank you and God bless.

3 weeks

Well, it is about three weeks until I will be officially homeless. There are opportunites out there, maybe. One old friend up here has offered his trailer for me to stay, at least for a while. I really feel like I need to move back to Columbia, where my roots are. I was thinking about the fun times I had as a kid in Columbia. I know there have been a lot of years pass by since then, but why can't I recapture that fun? Why can't somebody believe in me? I want to believe in myself. I have a great group of talents. Sometime I feel like people underestimate me. They don't believe I can make a store a success. After all, I have 30 years of business experience. I have 50 years of writing experience. I do well in front of people. The main compliment I get, when somebody sees me act, is that they couldn't believe how much I was a different person on stage. I love to entertain. I also love to do well. I am a perfectionist. Unfortunately, there are people out there who either feel threatened by my talents, or they underestimate me. Head to the Sky. Right, Gwen? Be positive. Right, Joni? What do I have to do? What can I do? Do I have enough faith? My life is a product of faith. I was reading some things in my baby book that my Mother wrote to me many years ago. I had never read it before. It had just been tucked away. The things that she wrote to me was a lot about love. She was proud of me. I feel like I have let her down. Things can be good again. They need to be good again. I have people praying for me. I believe in prayer. I believe in faith. I believe. Do you believe in me? My paypal account is durst11@gmail.com. I need money to move and live. I don't want to have to sell my Mother's wedding ring, but it may come to that. Please help me.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. It isn't the one that is on my driver's license. It isn't the one that my Mother had me at 7am. But, it is just as important to me, if not more. Let me give you a little background first. It was 1969. The year of the astronauts first landing on the moon. The year of Woodstock. The first year of the Nixon adminstration. The year when I discovered the anti-war movement. And, the year that I wanted to die. I had no real friends. I got beat up all the time in school. My grades were suffering. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, as I had a severe inferiority complex. After nine months of group therapy, I was pulled out, because it wasn't working. I was also involved in some illegal stuff, which I am not going to write about. But, my record collection was mostly free. The poetry that I was writing was very dark. We were members of First Baptist Church, and the guys there were doing illegal stuff with me. I just wanted to belong to something. And, I wasn't a nice person. At Christmas, my parents told me that we were moving our church membership to Kilbourne Park Baptist. It was closer to where we lived. My father knew the pastor really well. And, they thought a change would do me good. I didn't want to move. After all, my gang was at First Baptist. After much discussion, my parents made me a deal. They said that if I didn't like the new church after three months, I could go back to First Baptist. I reluctantly took the deal. On Sunday January 4th 1970, my parents and I joined Kilbourne Park Baptist Church. The only person of my age that I knew was Vonda Snipes. Her father worked with my father. I had known that family pretty much my entire life. Even in New Orleans. So, Vonda invited me to come to the Youth Choir rehearsal that afternoon. I had been in the Youth Choir at FBC, so I said okay. That afternoon at 4:30, I showed up for the choir, not knowing anyone but Vonda. Most of the kids went to different high schools than mine. But, they were nice. They were tight. They didn't judge me. They saw I could sing. They told me I was good. No one my age had ever said that to me before. They were happy people. I didn't know what being happy around people my age was like. My life changed that day. I no longer wanted to die. I no longer wanted to do things illegal. I saw what life should really be like. It took a couple of months to really get into that group. When I was gone from choir for a couple of weeks, one of the group asked me why I hadn't been there, and I made the excuse that I had been sick. I really hadn't. I just had trouble trusting people. They told me that they were sorry. No one had said that to me before. No one had cared about me before. They took me into their group. To say I was born again on January 4th can be misinterpreted. I wasn't born again in the religious sense, as much as I was born again in life. Everything before that date in my life is pretty much a blur. Everything after that date is my new life. If I had not gone to that church on that date, I really believe that I would not be here today. So, today is the day that I celebrate as my birthday. I don't get any presents on this day, but I got the greatest gift I could get, and that was a life. There are some lessons to be learned from this experience. Never take anyone for granted. Smile. Compliment. Tell someone you care. I can't say that I have stopped being self-destructive. I have slipped back a few times, but I keep going back to the hope that the kids gave me on that day 39 years ago. I keep up with a few of those kids to this day. Many of them I have lost track of. But they will always mean the world to me. So, thanks to Vonda, Pam, Gail, Sonny, Lawson, Rhett, Tommy, James, Karen, Ellen, Lelia, Buddy, David, Rodney, Craig, and all the others who gave me a life. Happy Birthday to Me.

Dee Driscoll

I found out yesterday that I lost a friend of mine last June. Her name was Dee Driscoll. She was a supervisor of mine, when I worked at Sanger-Harris in Fort Worth. The department store doesn't exist anymore. It became Foley's and then Macy's. Sanger-Harris was a very cool store. It was a shade lower than Neiman-Marcus but was better than Dillard's. We had famous people make personal appearances there, such as James Beard, George Hamilton, Hope Olson, and more. We had piano music or a chamber orchestra play on weekends. I met Pierre Cardin there. I also met my girlfriend Kare there. We had fun working there, and I would work on my day off for free, because it was that much fun. Dee made it fun. She knew her business, but she also knew to make her people happy, because happy workers are good workers. In fact, after I graduated from seminary, I stayed an extra year to work in that happy place. When I left that store to move back to SC, it was a sad day. I had to say goodbye to my friends and to my love. I stayed in touch with Kare for a few months, but we drifted apart. As for Dee, we sent Christmas cards to one another for years. It has been almost 30 years since I left Fort Worth, but I always kept up with Dee and her husband Gene. I didn't send many Christmas cards this year, but I dutifully sent one to Dee. I got a letter from Gene yesterday to tell me that Dee passed away from a fast-moving cancer in June. I wish I had known it at the time, even though there was nothing I could have done except to say goodbye. She was a motivating force in my early business life. She was very supportive of me, and encouraged me to do better. I have had several supervisors, but Dee was the one who all should be measured by. She knew her job, and loved her people. When I became a supervisor with Belk, I managed like she had. Care about your people and treat them well. Thank you, Dee, for making my life happier. I'll miss you, but your spirit will live on in all who knew you.

Mother's Birthday

Today is my Mother's birthday. She was born in 1915 and passed away in 2004. I wanted to take a little bit, and tell you about my Mother. She was born in Anniston, Alabama. Her father was a lawyer and judge. Her mother was a teacher. In fact, her mother later was named as Mother of the Year for Alabama. My Mother had four brothers and a sister. One brother became a Supreme Court Judge for Alabama. Another was a prominent attorney in Anniston. Another was an attorney in Heflin, Alabama. Another was an educator. And, her sister was a writer. My Mother's parents moved to Heflin, where her father was the judge. One family story is that Grandmother taught the white kids in the morning, and the black kids in the afternoon. The Klan didn't like her doing that, so they shot up the house. Granddad found out who did it and put them in jail, despite being friends with him. You didn't mess with Granddad. When Mother was 16, she developed rheumatic fever. It was very serious, and she had to stay home from school, where she was very smart. The doctors told her that she was going to die, but somehow she was healed. She went on to Alabama College, which later became the University of Montevallo. From there, she went to Southwestern Baptist Seminary in Fort Worth, where she met Daddy. They got married in Heflin in 1937, and that began their long marriage. John was born in Atlanta, and I was born in New Orleans. They were together for 62 years, before Daddy died. A friend of mine decided to get married on the day that my parents did, because she figured it was good luck. She and her husband are still together. So, May 25th may be a magic date. I can talk a lot about how much Mother meant to me. But, she had talents for writing and drama, and she passed them on to me. She loved music, especially show tunes and early rock and roll. She introduced me to the music of The Beatles, which I fell in love with. She taught me to care for others, which I do to this day, even if others don't care about me as much. She taught me the importance of family and friends. And, she never complained. While she was dealing with the ravages of a major stroke, she would always say she was fine, when asked. You knew she wasn't, but she always had a smile and sweet spirit. I only saw her cry twice. When she finally died in 2004, it was a blessing, because she suffered so much. But at the same time, it was very sad, because I lost my best friend. I haven't gotten over that day, and probably never will. But, Mother was a very strong woman. She had to be to be married to Daddy. She was a very creative person. And she taught me how to smile. I need someone to teach me that lesson again. Smile.

New Year

Today is the beginning of a new year. I am not quite ready to say "Happy" just because things are kind of scary. I have lots to do this new month. I have to move out of this condo by myself. My roommate isn't going to help. I am going to have to find a job. I am going to have to find a place to stay. I am going to have to find some money to live. I would rather not sell my Mother's wedding ring, but it may come to that. I don't know how much I would get for it, but maybe enough to cover the rental of a moving van. At the beginning of this new year, it is tempting to look back at the previous year. In many ways, it has been a wonderful year. The terrible stress that Macy's put on me has gone away. I have enjoyed being in the mountains and having a change of scenery. I have enjoyed renewing my friendship with Mary and the anticipation of selling my stuff in a store. Unfortunately, it didn't quite do what I thought. I think it was the advertising or lack thereof. I have enjoyed being able to do stuff that I wanted to do. I have also enjoyed building strong relationships with Joni, Aubrey, and Ne'cole. I don't think that would have happened without my moving, and now I have realized how important it is to be closer to friends. With so few people that I can say are family, my friends are now my family. Thanks guys for keeping me alive. Regrets? Yes, but I am not going to dwell on regrets. Anyone, who has read this blog, knows the regrets. Joni told me something recently that I have appreciated. She told me to be positive. Know that things are going to get better. And that brings me to the word that is going to have to frame this new year for me. The word is "Believe". I have to believe that things are going to be better. A life that is better. Forget the bad stuff of last year and dwell on what is to come. My friendships get stronger. Meanwhile, let me say something about the present. I was moving some stuff yesterday, and my car started making a noise I haven't heard before. I am going to need some money to move. If you can spare $10 or $100, please send it to me via PayPal. My acct. is durst11@gmail.com. It pains me to ask, but I am going to have to rent a moving van, and I don't have the money to do it. I am learning to believe in myself. Please believe in me. And, let's have a good year together. Happy New Year.