Friday, March 20, 2009

What's Left

First of all, let me say that I am not whinning, contrary to an opinion. I have tried to live a good life. Looking back on it, I have had a lot of cool experiences, many of which I have talked about in this blog. The movies, TV and plays stand out. My writing songs have been great. Being nationally published was a thrill. Meeting a lot of famous people, and them knowing me, was good. Getting a Master's degree in Communications, which they invented for me. Getting to know some dear friends. Visiting Europe and Israel, despite being involved in a intelligence operation. Touring the US, and doing puppet shows in Philly and Smyrna. Being creative. Helping to start the Singles Ministry at First Baptist. The list goes on. I was the Candy Man at Belk. The Lamp Man at Rich's. And, the Luggage Guru at Macy's. Yes, there have been a lot of things that I have done in my 55 years that have been good. I hope I have helped others, and made their lives just a little better. Unfortunately, when I have needed help, some people have turned their backs. I have always felt that I cannot publicly note who has helped me get to this point. They know who they are. But, times have changed. You hear that your family needs to stick together. If you can't depend on your family, who can you depend on? I guess my family, with a couple of exceptions, never heard about that. They consider me a beggar. They consider me a loser. They consider me an embarrassment. Maybe I have read too much into why they haven't stepped up. Maybe I am just way down their list. Maybe they have to take care of their own first. That's okay. I have lived with it this long. As to those who I have helped, good for you. When I needed you, some helped me, but most did not. I have lost friends, or people I thought were friends, because I asked for help. Some have stood by me. And, I thank you for that. They said that I could go anywhere in the world with my Master's degree. They just didn't say I could get hired anywhere in the world with my Master's degree. So, what's left? I have tried to be truthful and live a good life. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. I have a strong faith in God. After all, I have gotten this far in life by His grace. By grace, we are saved. I hope you believe that. I do. So, what's left? I would like to stick around this world a little while longer. There are other things I could do. Other things I can write. Other smiles I can give. Other lives I can touch. But, things are getting more difficult to exist. I have $200 in the bank with no job. My living space is going away. I only have just a few more days here. I cannot afford to live anywhere. I have no job. So, what's left? I cannot predict the future. I live very short-term. Day to Day. Moment to Moment. If there was a way to just end it all peacefully, without pain, I think I would do it. I know that there are people who care about me. They now who they are. Some have tried tough love to get me motivated. I am just whipped. I have been beaten down by those who don't care. I would rather not have comments, like at BJ's funeral, such as they didn't know I had problems. I have tried to spell those out here. So, what's left? If you feel that I have helped you, or you feel you can help me, please go to PayPal and send me a few dollars. My PayPal account is durst11@gmail.com. I will be eternally grateful. I am down for the count. There are opportunities out there for me. I know of a few, but I can't get there right now without financial help. Yes, I suppose I am begging. Sorry family. I need a miracle. I just want to survive one more day. This is real life. So, what's left?

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