What If?

Another self-pity post. After all, it seems that I am the only one that has pity on me. Most people just want me to be the happy, funny guy who takes nothing seriously. When I am serious, people don't want to hear about it. That is why I have lost contact with some family and friends. They don't want to hear bad stuff, and they don't want to be bothered. So, for all of those out there who are still reading this, here goes. My mother told me early on that I was a miracle baby. She had some sort of operation so that I could be born. I don't know the details. So, I came along into a world of cruelty and unfairness. I got to thinking last night what if I wasn't born? Would the world be any different for others? Although, during one of my mind-altering states, when I was much younger, I discovered that I was once a 16 year old boy starving under a bridge in London in the 1600's. I don't know if we have previous lives or future lives. The jury is still out on that one. But, what if I had not come along? Would anyone care outside my immediate family? How much of an impact have I made on society? I would say marginal at best. Sure, I have brought joy into people's lives through my acting and music. I suppose I have made people happier by giving them a smile. I suppose that I have helped people have better lives through my retail experience. I may have even inspired some people to do better. But, when it comes down to it, would I have been missed if I had never come along? Would someone else done what I did? Am I that unique? Konnie seems to think so. She calls me a unique person. And if I left today, how many people would miss me? Probably several at first, but then the feeling would not be as strong as time went on. They probably would not be doing shows on me 10 years after the fact. There were three reasons why I got into acting. The first was to escape from my awful life. The second was that I could make good grades doing it. And, the third was the applause. The theatre was the only place where I would get applause. It certainly wasn't in real life. No hugs or kisses in real life. No smiles or people telling you that you did a good job in real life. But, in the confines of a theatre, people loved you. I think you have to have a stage experience to understand the emotional high from getting applause. I think I have rambled enough about this today. Thanks for letting me feel sorry for myself. I need a hug. But, since I am not going to get a hug from anyone, family or otherwise, why don't you hug someone and think of me? It won't be the same, but at least someone would remember me. Oh, but don't call out my name during an activity. I think you would get in trouble for that, and I don't need any more trouble. Have a good weekend.