The Day

Life is hard. There are no guarantees. If life were easy, folks would smile all the time. And there would not be a reason to have hospitals or mental facilities. There would be no need for drugs. No suicides. But, life is not easy. I know that. You know that. Most everybody knows that. So, I am writing this blog today with that in mind. Life is hard. It has been ironic to me during these months of crisis that I have lived my life as a caring individual. I have cared about others. I have cared about their lot in life. I have helped those with problems. I have given them a shoulder to cry on. But, when the tables have turned, these people have turned their backs on me. They don't want to be bothered, or I am an embarrassment. I have never said that I am perfect. I have my faults. But, I have also lost a lot of family and friends over this, because they don't want to be bothered. Some people have helped me either financially or emotionally. Some people have offered prayers for me. And, I thank you for that. Prayer is a force that has helped me stay alive. Whether you believe in prayer or not, I believe that prayer works. But, prayer does not give me a place to stay, in and of itself. Prayer does not give me a job, in and of itself. And now, I have come to the point where I can no longer afford to stay where I have been for the last few months. My car is about shot. I need to put a quart of oil in it each time I drive it, as it leaks profusely. Today is the day that I need to move out of the motel and into my car. I have looked at shelters, but have found they cater to drug addicts and criminals. Others cater to people with children or women. I don't fall into either of those categories. I know I can say that today is the first day of the rest of my life. Let's hope some prayers are answered today. God help me if they are not.

It's Saturday

I love college football. I have my favorite teams, but if a game is on TV, I'm going to watch it. The interest probably came from my Mother. We used to sit at home on Saturday afternoons to watch football. Her favorite team was Alabama, because she was from there, and her brothers went to Alabama. We also watched the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday afternoons. So, those were her teams. When I went to PC, I made some football players mad, and as punishment, I had to go to their games and sit in a special seat, so they would know I was there. That's another story for another day. But, I did enjoy being there and cheering on our team, even though they didn't win many games. So, college football season has started. Already, one of my teams has won their first game--the University of South Carolina. Clemson plays this afternoon. Alabama plays tonight. And, there are some teams that I just can't stand. But, if it is on TV, I am probably going to watch it. Case in point--Tulsa vs. Tulane. That game was on TV last night. Now, I almost went to Tulane, when I was looking at schools years ago. Mainly because it was in New Orleans, where I was born. But, Tulane has never been a powerhouse in football. And, they proved it again last night. Tulsa was all over them. But, I still wanted Tulane to do good. I usually go with the underdog, if the teams playing are not one of my favorites. That's because I have been the underdog most of my life. One thing I like about college football is that the teams don't usually quit, even if they are losing 55-0. It is a sense of pride that they have. Another thing I like is the players aren't playing for money, or at least they aren't supposed to be. Their school could get into trouble, if the players were being paid. Sometimes, one gets the feeling that the pro teams are just going through the motions, because they are going to get paid anyway. It is like in the Super Bowl. If a pro team wins in the Super Bowl, and a player sits on the bench the entire game, he will still get a ring. Somehow that doesn't seem quite fair. But in college, a football team is more like a family. Sometimes disfunctional, but a family nevertheless. So, the football season has begun. Yay!!

Another Hike

I took another 8-mile hike today. Despite the air being a little cooler, I still seem to sweat like a pig. In a way, I guess that's good. I do drink water along the way, but it does seem excessive. I made it to the post office and mailed off a signed Elton John cd to a guy in Australia. And, I picked up my mail, which included two autographed pictures from Shirley MacLaine and Pete Carroll. In the old days, it was said that Shirley used her secretary to sign her stuff, but this one looks legit. She even included a typed letter to me and referenced a funny story that I told her. I don't remember what I wrote to her that was funny, unless it was my Burt Lancaster story. I also went by a Jewish graveyard where my next-door neighbors are buried--Sam and Sylvia Savitz. They were our neighbors for about 30 years and were genuinely nice people. Their son Phil was close to my age. They had a jungle jim in the backyard and a pool table in their den. They also had a dog named Spot that was dumb as a post, but he was the neighborhood dog. Everyone loved Spot, although he barked constantly. I even have a cassette recording of something on TV that I made, and you can hear Spot barking outside. Spot even survived being hit by a car. He missed some fur from that accident. Eventually, Spot got sick and died. But, he led a fruitful life. I watched Spot, when the family would go on vacation. He ate Alpo, which was the foulest smell I had ever smelled. I hated feeding time. Anyway, back to the hike. I made it back to the motel. I really think the last mile is the worst. I got back and collapsed. I don't think I'll be doing that hike again any time soon. At least, I hope not.

8 Miles

I did something this morning that some people would find crazy. Okay, I admit. I am a little crazy, but I saw what I did this morning as something of a necessity. And, it is all about my car. I have a 1989 Nissan Sentra that I should have shot and put out of its misery a long time ago. In the last couple of days, it has been leaking oil in quarts instead of drips. I took it to a mechanic yesterday, and he said that the drive chain is about to break, and there is a hole in my motor that can't be fixed without putting in a new motor. I had been driving my car for some time like this, but he told me that if the chain broke, my car would be finished. And, it is going to cost a lot to fix it. Money that I don't have. So, I have been walking a lot, like to the grocery store which is about a half mile away from the motel. I have always been a walker. I walked to school, when I was old enough to. I walked to stores in college, because I didn't have a car. It was not unusual for me to walk 3-4 miles a day back then. After all, I was also a runner, and I was in fantastic shape. When I got a car to go to Texas, I still walked to save on gas. About the only time I would drive would be to go to work or church, or maybe the occasional trip to downtown Fort Worth or over to Dallas. But, mainly I walked. I stopped walking, when I moved back to Columbia. I still exercised, but mainly it was at work walking to the stockroom and back. If it was a busy day, I could put in 3 miles inside the store, but it was stop and go. So, today I decided to test myself. I had been walking along the river about 2-3 times a week in the last few months and averaging 2 miles a day, but today was different. Because my car is scary to drive, and I needed to check my mail at the post office downtown, I decided to set out and walk there. It is about 4 miles there and 4 miles back. It took me a little over 2 hours to make the roundtrip. I did stop for a few minutes at McDonald's to get a bottled water, because it was a hot and humid day. As I have gotten older, I am prone to sweat more. Some say perspire, but I sweat. I got to the post office and picked up my mail, and then I set out to walk back to the motel. Going to the post office, there was a lot of hills I had to climb. Going back, I thankfully had some downhills. But, I discovered some things from my trip. First, there are a lot of interesting historical markers along the way that I had never read before today. Second, there are a lot of businesses that I didn't no existed until today. Third, Columbia needs more sidewalks on major roads, because I had to dodge some cars and had a fear I might be hit. Fourth, I was one of a handful of people out walking. And, maybe the most important thing I learned was my stamina. I had not walked a long distance like this in 30 years. I found that at the 7-mile mark this morning, my muscles in my legs started to get a little twinge. I was breathing heavy, and I didn't know if I could go on. From a runner's perspective, it was as if I had "hit the wall". You runners know what I mean. But, I kept putting one foot in front of the other and carrying on, until I got back to the motel. I will probably have some pain tomorrow from this. But, I found out I could do it. I may even do it again next week. I hear it is going to be a little cooler next week. I don't know what next week will bring for me. Quite frankly, I am pretty scared about my immediate future. But, at least today, I proved to myself that I could do it. Yes, I'm crazy. But, you should try it sometime. You will be amazed what you will see.

Magic Words

When I was growing up, my Mother used to tell me that there were magic words. These words would open doors for me, and make me a better person. They had power, and they also showed that I was polite. Kids growing up today may not know these magic words. They expect things to be delivered to them without question. So, what are these magic words? Should I tell the secret? Well, okay. The words are "please" and "thank you". You hear "thank you" a lot from people who say it without thinking. But, you don't hear "please" as much. Why is that? Have we become so complacent in our speech that "please" doesn't mean as much? It should. I must say that I have been guilty of saying "please" a lot lately. I think that some people are tired of me saying "please". Or, they think I am using the word "please" as some sort of scam. Or, they don't want to be bothered by my saying "please". Whatever the reason, I apologize. I am just trying to survive one more day. And, if I say "please", it is coming from the heart, as my Mother instructed me those many years ago. For me, "please" is a powerful word. It is a word that I use not lightly. It is a word that I use, because I have no where else to turn. I pray to God--please help me. Give me strength to carry on. And, please put it in the heart of someone to help me. Sometimes, He does. Other times, I feel like some people are not tuned in to the right frequency. I know I am not the only person with problems. I know the world does not revolve around me. Although, I know some people that it does, and they know it. But, I also know that there is goodness out there in this world. And, just as I feel it is time to give up, something happens. Tears come to my eyes, as I realize once again that God loves me. So, again I say "please". Please help me. And, God, thank you for the lessons you continue to show me. I may not be perfect. But, I am a child of God. As an aside, I was going to write this blog today as something of a farewell speech. But, I think I will not do that today. I can't say what tomorrow will bring, but I thank Him for bringing me here today. May God bless you.

A Quitter

A friend told me last week that he never thought of me as a quitter. I have tried not to be, despite things around me. I have quit at a couple of things in my life, but I have always seen another door open. That's the thing about creative people. We have to move on to the next great adventure. When I came back to Columbia in May, I was looking for the next great adventure. It was going to be a time of getting reacquainted with old friends. It was going to be a time of finding new challenges. It was going to be a time to once again be a success. So, here's what has happened so far. I have been able to connect with old friends. Maybe not as often as I would like, but it has been fun when I had. I have been able to find new challenges. Whether it be with selling some things on the internet, or establishing an exercise program. But, the success part has not come. The sad part about all of this is that most folks are out there for themselves, and they don't really care about others. Yes, they say they will pray for you. Now, I am not saying no to their prayers. After all, I am a firm believer in prayer. But, prayer by itself will not put food in one's stomach or pay for a roof over one's head. There needs to be action behind the prayers. Now, don't get me wrong. I haven't just been sitting back and watching the world go by. I have tried to find a decent job. Unfortunately with no success. I don't know if it is my age, sex, race, or ability level, but I have slipped through the cracks. I have enjoyed the volunteering for Andre, although I was hoping it would develop into a paid gig. Apparently not. There is a job fair here in Columbia on Wednesday, and my motel is paid up until Thursday morning. After that, who knows what might happen? I have been thinking maybe going back to Greenville for a while. Where would I live? No clue. I still have my stuff in storage here, and that isn't going anywhere. I do have my post office box here in Columbia. I think that is up in December. But, I don't have any more money to live anywhere. And, unless I can find someone who can take me in for a while, I guess I will be homeless. Or, I will just quit. Not a happy thought. My friend Joni keeps telling me to be positive. I am trying, Joni. I am trying. So, if anyone can spare a few dollars, my PayPal acct. is durst11@gmail.com. Or, my mailing address is: PO Box 1464, Columbia SC 29202. I need help, and I need it fast. Thanks.

Another Update

I know I should be writing this blog every day, but I really haven't felt like it. Why? Well, I just haven't felt like myself. What is it that I am supposed to feel? Happiness (whatever that is) and Contentment (like those cows). In reality, I have not felt either of those feelings. As a matter of fact, I have been feeling increasingly depressed. Things are not going well. I am about out of money. I would have been a couple of weeks ago, but I sold a couple of things on the internet. I don't know, at this moment, if I will be able to afford another week at the motel. Probably not. The bill is due tomorrow. And, then there is the matter of my storage facility. It isn't due for 2 more weeks, but I just hope I will be able to pay that. And, then there is the matter of food. How can I afford to eat? I can't cook here at the motel, unless it microwaves. I eat $1 meals I get from the store. They are designed for children, but that is all I can afford. So, then I come to asking people for help. The short answer is that no one will. I guess I am not high up on their list, after vacations and other expenses. And, I can't find anyone who will take me in. And, then we come to looking for a job. I have applied to places, but no one will hire me. Why? I have a lot of good qualities. I can bring something to the table. But, maybe it is my age, or my sex, or my race. Who knows? So, I have been hearing the demons again. I have a lot of people praying for me, and I appreciate that. Prayer gives one strength. I believe that God cares about me. And, that's a good thing. But, unless I can find some money from somewhere fast, prayer is not going to be enough. No, I am not going to rob a bank. I am not going to knock over a liquor store. I am going to be a good boy. And, if I have to live out of my car, I guess I will. But, what if I was just to show up at someone's doorstep? Would they take me in? Yeah, we will see. After all, when I was in college, my debate partner and I showed up at a stranger's house out in the country and told them we were their long lost cousins. They fed us, and then we left. I think people were more trusting back then. Now, I don't know. So, if anyone is reading this, and can spare a couple of dollars, my PayPal account is durst11@gmail.com. Or, if you don't have PayPal, drop me a note via email, and I'll tell you my mailing address. I am not interested in publicizing any gift. I am just trying to survive a while longer. You know? Thanks for reading and say a prayer. Not just for me, but also for all of those out there who are falling through the cracks.