Sunday, September 21, 2008

Self Pity

I used to be the king of self-pity. After all, the world revolved around me. I was the most important person in the world. Everybody knew that. If they didn't, I would tell them. There were a few people who were understanding, but for the most part, most folks couldn't care less. They had their own lives to worry about. Not mine. So, I wallowed in self-pity. As I grew older, I found that it didn't accomplish anything to complain about my lot in life. When my Mother was suffering from the ravages of a massive stroke, which took away her ability to have a quality life, she would sit in a chair and smile. If you asked her how she was, she would say "Oh, fine". You knew she wasn't fine, but she had a positive outlook on life. I have tried to take that position of being positive. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. I could tell you about not having a job; not having money; not having love; not having someone to hug me... The list is endless, but it is also pointless to dwell on the problems. I say all of this, because apparently my roommate is going through the same things that I went through. Unfortunately, I am not sensitive to this. I can't be sensitive. It is a hard thing to do. I am sorry if I seem insensitive of others' problems. But, if he accepted my advice, maybe things would be different, but he won't listen. He just goes about his moaning. I can't take it anymore. Maybe he needs help. I don't know if I am the one to give it to him. He drowns his sorrows in other means. I went through that process many years ago. I know I can't go back there. It was a time of escape with drugs and alcohol. If I did that stuff again, I would die. I have a friend who escaped with heroin. He is dead now. I have a friend who escaped with cocaine. He is dead now. I have a friend who escaped with suicide. She is dead now. You see the pattern? Oh, I can handle it. That's what a lot of people would say. Maybe you can. I can't. I can't deal with others wallowing in self-pity. Maybe it was a mistake moving here. Maybe I need to go somewhere, where I have friends who will love me and hug me and make me feel worthwhile. If you look for a song by The Village People called "My Roommate", you will see what I am feeling now. I am sorry. I can't feel your pain.

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